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The Awful Dynne: A Reflection on The Beauty of Silence

When I lived in Athens, my life. was. loud. I thought I loved it. Barking dogs, the sounds of the bars and restaurants; the homeless, the buskers, the Thirsty Thursday beer trucks. Shouting, brawling, sirens. Cops, fights, the street-cleaners, the lawn-mowers. I heard every car's music at the red lights. Lots of Adele. Frat parties went late into the night. Horns blasted, car crashes crunched, dump-trucks rattled the dishes, and a very sweet owl liked to wake me up at 3 am most nights. Shows at 40 Watt and the Georgia Theatre left my ears ringing till I woke up. 

The "drunk obnoxious Georgia fans" didn't exactly reserve their enthusiasm for game-day (I worked at Sanford Stadium. Oh, heavens...)

Hey, what's that coming down the track?
A huge machine that's red and black!
Ain't nothing finer int he land
than drunk, obnoxious Georgia fans!
go dawgs GO DAWGS 
go dawgs GO DAWGS
GOOOOOO DAWGS! SIC 'EM! ROOROOAROOROO!

The preachers at Tate Plaza shouted all day long. The bell was always ringing, the line at Barberito's was always moving. Jittery Joe's hipster playlist was never-ending, and the AO study rooms were...not quiet. And it wasn't a ride to devo with the Pulaski Boys if Rage Against the Machine wasn't knocking your teeth out.


When I got out of the car when we first got to the ranch, I couldn't figure out what was going on. Was I breathing? Did the air taste different? Was I standing up? I'm actually not being dramatic: it took me a good five minutes to figure out what was so different. Then it hit me. It was quiet.  ...  After that stunning realisation, I began to experience the layers of the silence. The wind hummed through the sagebrush, but snapped at my jacket. It rippled the water perfectly, but howled and whistled when I turned my head. I was the cause of the only noises I could hear! I was out of place. It was humbling! I was a part of something huge, something that existed long before I was even imagined, and I was being loud just by standing there. I felt so squirmy. If you know me...well, I make a lot of noise. I'm clumsy, I'm dramatic. I am not still. 

Psalm 46.10

be still and know that I AM God.

As I listened to the nothingness, sitting on the ground, holding my knees so that I didn't disturb the perfection of the masterpiece around me, I began to hear. I heard the command to be still, and I heard God. I saw Him, I felt Him, and I knew Him with an entirely new song.

Suddenly, it became the loudest silence I had ever experienced. It was rich. It was fulfilling. It was full of secrets and directions, hopes and dreams. And I NEVER would have heard it over Passion Pit or motorcycles.


It reminded me one of my favourite passages in the old testament. 
1 Kings 19:1-18 <-- read me!
The Lord passes by the mouth of the cave where an exhausted and frightened Elijah is hiding. He speaks to Elijah...not in a hurricane, not in an earthquake, and not in a fire, but in a quiet and gentle whisper. Read it. It's rad.            *****          
Guess what God tells Elijah, in that stillness? That he's not alone. That he will have victory. That he has help back in Israel. That he can TRUST GOD to protect him. To get up. To fight again.
I bet Satan didn't want Elijah to hear that!


I have grown to adore the stillness here. Of course, now that nannying has taken off, there's a lot of noise. But, when I get a chance to run, do yoga, or just drive around, I revel in the stillness. I have learned so much about myself and about my Lord. It's easy to listen when you're quiet. It kind of goes hand in hand with this Chocolate Trust study I'm working on. In this silence, I have heard God telling me to trust him. Something I'm not good at.

God asks Elijah, "What are you doing here?"

God asks Emma, "What are you doing here?"

If this is where I needed to come, to learn to shut my mouth and open the Word, to take my thoughts captive, and to embrace the Freedom of quietude....amen, amen. I can be such a slave to the war of Noise. My words, thoughts, my emotions, my memories and my questions. I am learning to take those shackles off. It is dopey.

Peace. Be still. 

Chocolate Trust, Part I

This study is a work in progress. I am learning to trust God, and that doesn't really happen overnight. 


I nanny two kids. Abigail is 9 months old, and Charlie is 3 1/2. This lesson is about Charlie. Charlie is strong-willed and confident, smart and funny. He is one of the sweetest, kindest, and funniest kids I've worked with in a long time. I like him, and I like to give him the things he wants. Sometimes, though, he asks for things I just can't give him. For example, he asks to drive the truck, or for me to make it stop raining. Sometimes, the things he asks for are just bad for him: he wants to drink chocolate milk that's 7 parts chocolate and 1 part milk, or to play with the lawn-mower. And, other times, I just want him to learn that he can't have everything he wants.

Like most three-year-olds, Charlie knows the power of a decent whine. It can be trying, and initially, I had no idea how to make him stop. I wanted to sob and stomp along with him.

Then I just decided that I'd treat him the way I'd want to be treated. My approach to his little episodes of displeasure has been to ask him to look me in the eye and say, "you can trust me."

Charlie can trust me. I always hear what he asks for (he's definitely persistent). And I want him to be happy! I want to give him the things he wants and thinks he needs ("But, but I have to use my duck-call inside!"). But I guess, somehow, that being older and a little bit wiser helps me to see that having every request granted doesn't produce instant or lasting joy. Duh.

But how often do I forget that for myself? I pray and pray and pray and when God doesn't respond the way I expected, immediately, I straight up curse God and die. It's humbling to compare myself and my periods of doubt and anger with the Lord to Charlie and his little tantrums. But it's so accurate. I do not trust that God hears me, loves me, and has plans to prosper me. No matter how many times He tells me, no matter how many times He shows me...I doubt God.

But I may have had a breakthrough last night. I'll talk about Charlie's breakthrough, first, though.

Charlie is a guy's guy, through and through. He pees outside, run around naked, and rolls in the mud. Yesterday, he wiped out on a major hill on his bike. He lay in the dirt, a sob rising in his chest. My heart stopped: I got on my hands and knees to help him up, clean him off, talk him through it, get him in the bath, dry him off, hug him, promise him that it was going to be okay. He was very quiet. He barely made eye-contact. I couldn't really blame him -- I'm sure it was a little humiliating to need such holistic and even invasive help from his brand new nanny. But that afternoon, he came downstairs and crawled onto my lap. He snuggled and giggled for almost half an hour. It was unbelievable. He's never been affectionate with me before. I felt so warm, so loved, and so special. I felt like he knew I was there for him, that I was his friend, and that there wasn't anything I wouldn't do for him.

I felt like gold.


***************

It happened...

Busy few days! On top of packing, I learned how to drive and got my license, celebrated the birthday of one of my best friends, went to the river and got an entire mollusk stuck in my heel, went shopping for jeans (with a 36" inseam, I have a lot of trouble finding pants that are long enough...), made mixtapes for my friends, and said as many goodbyes as possible. My dad brought me back to Atlanta on Wednesday evening. I wanted to come back before Thursday, because my sister graduated from High School!

lily and her sparkler

Lily will be at Pepperdine University in Malibu, CA in the fall. After graduation, we went to Chicago's Steak & Seafood, which was incredible. Highly recommend it. Our family probably orders calamari as an appetiser 80% of the time we eat out. That, plus artichoke dip and wedge salads and trout and potatoes and shrimp grits, equals painfully full but deeply satisfied Jacobys : ) We came home for champagne and sparklers, and I finished packing.

My dad and I left for the airport at 7:30 or so; he used his Delta Diamond Status to check both of my suitcases for freeeeee, and also to get through security with me for a little breakfast at the Sky Club across from my gate. My flight-neighbour, Joseph, was going home to Utah to see his wife and two daughters -- the youngest of whom he has never held. He is in the army. It was hard to hear how difficult it has been, and how finances and a deep desire to provide for his wife and child left him with few options but to enlist. His daughters are absolutely beautiful, but he will only be with them for 20 days before going to Korea...for a year. He cannot afford three plane tickets, or else he would take them with him and stay there for two or three years. He says that, as he is trained in air-traffic control, that he is closest to the most consistent conflict. He has served in Afghanistan and Iraq, and I've never seen someone quite so discouraged. 5 more years, Joseph! I pray for peace. I don't hate much, but I certainly hate war.

Libby, Charlie and Abigail were at the airport in Idaho, waiting for me. Anna drove us home -- more about her later, but she's awesome -- and we ate bananas and goldfish till we got to the ranch. It flurried all afternoon, and I ran around like a fool, taking pictures.

isn't it beautiful? those storm-clouds were busy brewing for the saturday snow : )

I unpacked, met the dogs and two of the horses, had some dinner with our neighbour, H, and after some beer and dark chocolate, we all went to bed around 9:30. 

Anna, H, and Libby after tacos & beer

I MADE IT! I'M IN MONTANA.....

HOLY COW.

20 days left.

brothas and sistaaaas. we're gettin close!

today, we're talking Daily:

I'm starting to say goodbye to Athens! I worked one of my last scheduled shifts today at the Daily Grocery Co-Op. I love love love it there (I feel like I'm there every day), and I will miss all of my fellow working members and supervisors so dearly. 

If you live in the Athens area, or if you come through town for a game or a show, you GOTTA STOP BY! It's the sweetest, most perfectly genuine spot to get your food for the week. Alex shares his chocolate with everyone, always. David is our resident artist. Caitlin will become your sassy, savvy bestie in 4 minutes. Matthew will captivate your calendar with countless community ventures, and Rhett and Andy will just make you feel happy, always. And, as evidenced by this photo, Andrea knows Captain Planet! Friendly faces and fair, fresh food every day. It genuinely doesn't get better.


Most importantly: we need some help!! Right now, with so many students leaving for the summer, there are countless opportunities to volunteer for one of our weekly shifts (2 - 4 hours). Obviously, my Monday 12:30-4pm shift will be open! It's great fun....and there's more!


Working members get a 20% discount on everything in the store for a full week after each shift worked. It's totally worth it, and you will come to meet fabulous people and learn tonnes about Co-Ops, local love, duck eggs and whatever else you open your heart to!!

<-- Aren't we the cutest??


Check out our Facebook Page and go in and ask about volunteering!
I'll miss you guys!

25 days left!

Song of the Day: This has been stuck in my head since my dad emailed me my ticket confirmation, and it makes my heart pound through my knees. Love it:

More importantly/relevantly, I just heard back from Bryan -- I'll be flying into Idaho Falls on May 25th!

25 days to go!

In other, sad news, I had to pick up another wind-in-the-windows victim today. This is the third bird I've buried this month. 

Pre-Test

tornado in montana. yeeeeesh.

I remember taking a pre-test in Extreme Weather during my freshman year at UF. The material was straight-forward, I'm a decent guesser, and I had had an embarrassing obsession with Jim Cantore and the Weather Channel for about 8 years: I had experienced, however virtually, almost all of the scenarios I was tested on. I only missed 3 questions, on clouds, and I largely blame that on my 3rd grade teacher: I never learned my clouds. 

I knew that I would be given an identical packet at the end of the semester, and my progress would be boiled down to a 10% participation grade.

as long as i don't un-learn anything, i have an A. swag.


Needless to say, 17-year-old Vocal-Performance-Major Emma didn't go to class very often. 

If you handed me a crisp, neatly-stapled packet of multiple choice questions about Montana, I would fail it miserably. 

This is me laughing to myself and flipping through my pre-test, knowing I know nothing at all. It feels wonderful. My simple expectations are to see lots of birds, lots of stars...to wake up early, probably take disappointing photos of the moon, get better at horseback riding, and undoubtedly eat some awesome steak. As I cannot be any more vague, I can only offer that I am determined to suck the marrow out of this particular Life-Bone. No Wikipedia, no ChaCha. No shortcuts, and no annoying ads asking me if I want a stranger to send me flirting tips via text.

Outside of a deep conviction to work without complaining or arguing, to know God as I have never known Him before, and to forge a special and purposeful bond with the Ulring family and the J-L Ranch, I am blind, with my F, and I'm ready. 

let's. goooooo.